One of the grief cliches that I’ve found to be true is the idea of feeling like a completely different person after the loss. The sense of life being forever demarcated by the event into a ‘before’ and an ‘after’. I keep looking back at photos of myself from ‘before’ and just wishing so much that I could go back to being my happy, optimistic self. The me that was looking forward to the future.
If I could pick one day of my life to be my Groundhog Day, this would be it. It was the happiest day, filled with love and laughter. I would live it over and over again if I could.
If I look a little smug it’s because I was! I absolutely loved my bump and being pregnant! I loved as my bump got bigger that people would look at me and smile as I walked down the street. After having fertility problems (I keep meaning to write our story on the about page but haven’t managed to face this yet), being pregnant made me feel like such a normal and productive member of society! I couldn’t believe that I had everything I’d ever wanted. When I put relationships on hold to do my doctorate I worried that I wouldn’t meet anyone or have a family. Now I had the job I loved, plus an amazing husband and a baby on the way. The three best words I ever heard my husband say were not ‘I love you’ but the words ‘my pregnant wife’. I honestly never thought I’d be someone’s pregnant wife. I melted every time I heard those words.
I have had lots of other ambitions in my life but I have always wanted to be a mother. I’m not sure if being diagnosed with gynae issues in my teens had an impact on this. I was told at the time I would likely need fertility treatment if I wanted to have children in the future. Maybe it was being told it might be difficult that made me really want children or maybe I was just a naturally maternal person I don’t know but compared to my friends I was always baby obsessed! It took a while to get my career sorted and of course to meet the perfect daddy to my babies but when I discovered I was pregnant at 31 life seemed to be perfectly on track. Hence the smug.
I know lots of people choose not to have children and I certainly don’t think that reproducing should be the sole purpose of anyone’s life. I’m trying to tell myself that my life still has meaning now without Isobel but I’m really struggling to believe that. I still have Simon, family, friends and my career. It’s what I had before I fell pregnant and it was enough then. It’s not enough anymore though. If I’m honest, I really feel like my life is ruined. I don’t feel suicidal but I certainly do have thoughts that life is not worth living. (I have no plans to act on this and am aware that I would need to seek help if this ever changed).