I’ve had a really hard evening. Crying so much that I vomit is a whole new experience for me. It started with trying on a dress for my friend’s wedding this Friday. I know I shouldn’t expect to have my figure back to normal less than six weeks after having a baby but it still annoyed me that the dress I planned to wear is too tight. I then made the colossal mistake of trying some jeans on and things went to hell! I’m sure if I had Isobel here, alive, I would still be a little wistful for my pre-pregnancy figure but the fact that I have this excess 21 lbs of saggy flabby tummy and no beautiful baby to show for it really killed me tonight.
It made me think of every day of those 39 weeks and three days: how almost every moment of every day revolved around my baby – every time I forced myself to make healthy food choices (bag after bag of spinach as I’m vegetarian), every time I said no to caffeine or alcohol, every time I suffered a headache without taking painkillers and the worst sinus infection with no antibiotics, every time the fish oil in my pregnacare vitamin repeated on me and the taste of fish as a vegetarian made me nauseous, every time I lay awake tormented with insomnia, every time I waddled to the toilet, the endless hours spent online researching the best baby monitor, or how to ensure successful breastfeeding, the two sets of antenatal classes that we did, the third trimester fatigue and swollen feet, the stretch marks, the aforementioned saggy tummy, every pain ache and sacrifice, and how it was ALL FOR NOTHING.
Nothing to show for it. Nada. Zero, zilch, zip. Aside of course from a broken heart and an emerging post-traumatic stress disorder.
I know you could say I did have something to show for it. I did have a perfectly formed 7lb2, 55 cm long little girl. I did get to hold her and stroke her and wrap her long fingers around mine. I know at other times I’ve felt and will feel again that my pregnancy was a joyous gift and be glad to have had it, even if that’s all I got. But tonight that doesn’t feel true. Tonight I feel like I’ve been robbed, that I’ve been subject to the cruelest joke in the history of humankind. That 40 of my weeks were wasted…for nothing.