For Nothing

  I’ve had a really hard evening. Crying so much that I vomit is a whole new experience for me. It started with trying on a dress for my friend’s wedding this Friday. I know I shouldn’t expect to have my figure back to normal less than six weeks after having a baby but it still annoyed me that the dress I planned to wear is too tight. I then made the colossal mistake of trying some jeans on and things went to hell! I’m sure if I had Isobel here, alive, I would still be a little wistful for my pre-pregnancy figure but the fact that I have this excess 21 lbs of saggy flabby tummy and no beautiful baby to show for it really killed me tonight. 

It made me think of every day of those 39 weeks and three days: how almost every moment of every day revolved around my baby – every time I forced myself to make healthy food choices (bag after bag of spinach as I’m vegetarian), every time I said no to caffeine or alcohol, every time I suffered a headache without taking painkillers and the worst sinus infection with no antibiotics, every time the fish oil in my pregnacare vitamin repeated on me and the taste of fish as a vegetarian made me nauseous, every time I lay awake tormented with insomnia, every time I waddled to the toilet, the endless hours spent online researching the best baby monitor, or how to ensure successful breastfeeding, the two sets of antenatal classes that we did, the third trimester fatigue and swollen feet, the stretch marks, the aforementioned saggy tummy, every pain ache and sacrifice, and how it was ALL FOR NOTHING. 

Nothing to show for it. Nada. Zero, zilch, zip. Aside of course from a broken heart and an emerging post-traumatic stress disorder. 

I know you could say I did have something to show for it. I did have a perfectly formed 7lb2, 55 cm long little girl. I did get to hold her and stroke her and wrap her long fingers around mine. I know at other times I’ve felt and will feel again that my pregnancy was a joyous gift and be glad to have had it, even if that’s all I got. But tonight that doesn’t feel true. Tonight I feel like I’ve been robbed, that I’ve been subject to the cruelest joke in the history of humankind. That 40 of my weeks were wasted…for nothing. 

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11 thoughts on “For Nothing

  1. I’m so sorry for your loss 😦 I lost my baby boy twin at 34 1/2 weeks almost 5 months ago. I think these thoughts too…well it didn’t matter that I skipped that glass of wine or eating that deli meat, or the times I decided to take it easy and rest. Thank you for sharing your feelings. Thinking of you, hugs!

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    1. Hi Marielle, so sorry to hear about your baby boy. I can only imagine the unique bitter sweetness of having a surviving twin and managing grief for their sibling. Thank you for reading and taking the time to comment xx

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  2. I just clicked on your blog. I am so, so, so sorry. This post, hit home hard. I felt those words.
    This means nothing now but believe me when I say, you will get through this and to the other side. You will live life again and laugh and smile.
    So, so unfair. It pains me that you are going through this. If you need to talk to someone who’s been through it, I’m here for you!

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    1. Thanks so much. It’s horrible to know that so many parents and families have suffered with the loss that we have but it is so helpful to hear the stories of others and to get a little hope that life will be brighter someday x

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    1. As crappy as the feelings are it’s nice to know they aren’t totally abnormal! I wish I could just be grateful for having the little time I did as a mummy (and hopefully this will be the prevailing feeling someday) but it was such a woefully inadequate amount of time, I feel so robbed. Thanks for reading x

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    2. Hi Lana,

      I just found your blog. I am so sorry for your loss. I work with many moms and families having this experience and it’s rough. I know this may be hard to hear right now but each family I’ve counseled has figured out a way to have children if this is what they decided. At the start though, that doesn’t matter in healing the hurt.

      There is a wonderful organization in my hometown of St. Louis called SHARE which you can connect with online at http://www.NationalShare.org and find a companion parent, one who’s been through this, to support you. They also have much online info and resources to recommend.

      Please be kind and be-friend yourself during your grief. Warmly, Dr. Diane

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      1. Thank you so much for reading and taking the time to comment. I so want to believe that we will have another baby someday but it’s hard to think about just now. I will have a look at the SHARE site, thank you x

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  3. Oh sweetheart. My soul aches for you. I can’t and won’t say anything cliche be a use you don’t need that bulldhit. But you are smazing. You got moments with her that many never got with their angel babies. You felt life within you. And you’re still here, to preserve her memory and to carry on. Which I believe she would want for you. Now she is with my little girls spreading sunshine and rainbows when we are feeling low.

    It sucks, it blows, the pain will always ache, you will give bitch face to other prrggers. But you will be ok, because you survived. And one day, you will look in the mirror and be able to say that to yourself.

    Sparkle thoughts

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    1. Sorry I either missed your post or read it when my head was fried and don’t remember!!! Thanks for commenting, your comment about giving bitch face to the preggers made me laugh! I’m sure lots of parents have thought I am a lunatic as I stare at their babies!! I hope you are right about surviving, all I want is to feel normal and like myself again! Xx

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