But I liked the old me

One of the grief cliches that I’ve found to be true is the idea of feeling like a completely different person after the loss. The sense of life being forever demarcated by the event into a ‘before’ and an ‘after’. I keep looking back at photos of myself from ‘before’ and just wishing so much that I could go back to being my happy, optimistic self. The me that was looking forward to the future. 

This picture is from our wedding day, I was in the early weeks of pregnancy here but did not yet know.  

If I could pick one day of my life to be my Groundhog Day, this would be it. It was the happiest day, filled with love and laughter. I would live it over and over again if I could. 

During pregnancy I was obsessed with taking ‘bump’ pics and I have loads in various states of undress! This is the last one I took that’s suitable for the Internet! It’s me at around 36 weeks.    

If I look a little smug it’s because I was! I absolutely loved my bump and being pregnant! I loved as my bump got bigger that people would look at me and smile as I walked down the street. After having fertility problems (I keep meaning to write our story on the about page but haven’t managed to face this yet), being pregnant made me feel like such a normal and productive member of society! I couldn’t believe that I had everything I’d ever wanted. When I put relationships on hold to do my doctorate I worried that I wouldn’t meet anyone or have a family. Now I had the job I loved, plus an amazing husband and a baby on the way. The three best words I ever heard my husband say were not ‘I love you’ but the words ‘my pregnant wife’. I honestly never thought I’d be someone’s pregnant wife. I melted every time I heard those words. 

I have had lots of other ambitions in my life but I have always wanted to be a mother. I’m not sure if being diagnosed with gynae issues in my teens had an impact on this. I was told at the time I would likely need fertility treatment if I wanted to have children in the future. Maybe it was being told it might be difficult that made me really want children or maybe I was just a naturally maternal person I don’t know but compared to my friends I was always baby obsessed! It took a while to get my career sorted and of course to meet the perfect daddy to my babies but when I discovered I was pregnant at 31 life seemed to be perfectly on track. Hence the smug. 

I know lots of people choose not to have children and I certainly don’t think that reproducing should be the sole purpose of anyone’s life. I’m trying to tell myself that my life still has meaning now without Isobel but I’m really struggling to believe that. I still have Simon, family, friends and my career. It’s what I had before I fell pregnant and it was enough then. It’s not enough anymore though. If I’m honest, I really feel like my life is ruined. I don’t feel suicidal but I certainly do have thoughts that life is not worth living. (I have no plans to act on this and am aware that I would need to seek help if this ever changed). 

  
I don’t want this to be the rest of my life. I don’t want a life without Isobel. It is too sad, too painful and too much effort for no reward. 

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5 thoughts on “But I liked the old me

  1. When I see pictures of when I was pregnant or before, I always think how naive I was or how innocent my life was. Like you said, it definitely changes you, but I think in time it will be fore the better. You are doing a great job sharing your story and putting it out there. Hugs.

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    1. Thank you. I so hope I can get to a place where I feel changed for the better. I don’t want the legacy of my much loved baby to be that she ruined my life, how awful that would be for her. But I can’t help feeling that way now! Wish we could all go back to the naive/innocent days! I try to think what the worst day of my life was before this and it wouldn’t be anything worse than a fight with my husband! I had such a charmed life til then, I just didn’t know it!

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      1. So very true. It’ll take time to get to a better place for sure. I know I have good and not so good days and that has to be normal. I just try to trust in time it’ll get better. Just remember you aren’t alone, hugs!! ❤️

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  2. Your whole world right now is “my baby died”. And it will be like this for a while. Four years has gone since Aida passed & I don’t live in that world anymore.
    You will start to heal and life will move forward & so will you. I promise. This won’t be your new, permanent state of life. I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s just so hard. Every so often, grief strikes me and I feel those intense feelings I had in the beginning and I wonder how I survived. I felt them daily, for a very long time.
    I also felt like this was a world not worth living without her. And that will change too. You will want another baby some day and you will dream of a world with that little person in it and find that purpose again. But for now, everything is so damn hard.
    Just know it’s really not forever.
    Xo

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