June 2015 – 36 weeks pregnant.
It’s hard to comprehend how something can have been both the best thing and the worst thing ever to have happened to you. I was so unbelievably happy to be pregnant. Isobel’s presence gave me some of the best moments of my life – finding out she existed, seeing her on ultrasound scans, feeling her kick, stretch and hiccup inside me, and the contentment of knowing that all my hopes had come true. It was such a special time for my relationship too, seeing how excited and happy Simon was and knowing how much our baby would be loved. Hour after hour was spent watching my tummy ripple and talking about our family and our future. Then, just as we were expecting to finally meet her, it was all gone – our baby, our family, our future. In an instant, with a hand on my leg and the words “I’m so sorry”, the best thing that ever happened to me became the worst thing that ever happened to be: the light became dark.
I really hope that someday I can be thankful for the light, that I can remember the amazing moments that came courtesy of Isobel and be glad that we had her at all, even if it was far too short a time. Now though, all I can focus on is that the light was taken away, the dark is so much darker than it ever was before. While it was all I ever wanted, sometimes I wish the light was never there at all.