It’s hard to write a wish list without including the most obvious, the most powerful and the most impossible wish. If wishing were effective, Isobel would be here, and there would be no need for a wish list for my grieving process.
What I want is to enjoy my life, to live a full and valued life rather than just exist and survive. I want to live for a little girl who should be here living too, but never got the chance. I want to find something beautiful in every day, to appreciate small comforts and to love people without being terrified of losing them. I want to feel gratitude for the daughter that gave birth to my motherhood. I want to appreciate how she has changed me. I want to see babies, feel joy and think they are beautiful; to see mothers and daughters or families, and feel warmed by their love for each other. I want Isobel to be remembered, honoured and to always be part of my family, however that may look in the future.
I know that wishing alone is futile. I will get nowhere without committed action in the service of these things I want. For my harrowed mind, achieving the things on this wish list seems almost as impossible as bringing my baby back to life. I don’t know where or how to begin. I feel like I need a checklist of ‘Tasks of Grieving’ that I can tick off and be done with, but I know that is not how this works. I saw a quote by a tennis player called Arthur Ashe: “Start where you are, use what you have, do what you can”. I will start here, use what I have and who I have, and I will do what I can. I just hope that will be enough.