Capture Your Grief: Day 9 – Family

  Capture Your Grief Project

I love this picture of our wedding guests (little Isobel is there too but keeping her presence a precious secret for a little longer). This gorgeous bunch is my family, family equally being those connected to me by blood, and those tied to me by years of friendship and love. I am so lucky to have good people around me, people who have also been broken hearted by the loss of Isobel and people who would do anything to help me if they could. I love and appreciate them all. And so I feel beyond guilty for feeling incomplete and thinking that this supportive and loving family is not enough for me. Guilty for sometimes having those dark thoughts that I would trade each and every person in this picture a hundred times over if it meant I could have my baby. Guilty for wishing that anyone else could have died except her. I feel terrible for writing this and debating about posting it, but I have pledged to be authentic. I hope that anyone reading this will understand that these horrible thoughts are not me and not how I really feel or would really want. Such is the desperate and ugly side of grief – the presence of thoughts and feelings alien to myself, horrendous to posses yet beyond any conscious control. 
The real me though is so grateful for the people in this picture who have been by my side in the past fifteen weeks. As well as the tough stuff there has been love, travel, adventures, fun, laughter and even dancing. I don’t know how my family will look in the future, but I do know that I wouldn’t be facing the future at all right now if it wasn’t for my family. They make my life worth living. 

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