Capture Your Grief: Day 19 – Music

  

Capture Your Grief Project
Pictured are the three songs we chose for Isobel’s funeral. Ed Sheeran Photograph was current at the time and it was reverberating in my head from when we found out Isobel had died. I sang it to her when she was born and thought it was perfect for the funeral. Angels by The XX was my entrance song for our wedding, never did I imagine I would be reevaluating the words to facing life without my baby girl. Tender by Blur was suggested by Isobel’s auntie Ashleigh who wrote down the words to place in Isobel’s coffin and when we listened to it we realised how perfect the sentiment was. I have listened to these songs many times since the funeral, mostly on purpose but sometimes by chance. The effect has been variable from reducing me to a puddle on the floor, to just making me smile. I love that friends have said they think of Photograph as ‘Isobel’s wee song’. 

I can find a way to make almost every song about Isobel though. So many lyrics or sentiments have the power to overwhelm me with sadness. Anything about love or loss does the job. My car is definitely in my top three places I cry (bed and the shower probably just come ahead of the car) and that is often because some song or another has tugged at my heart. This is no bad thing, it feels so much more authentic and right to connect with the emotion and have a cry than it does when I’m trying to distract myself and be fine. Music allows me the space to feel what I feel. I know it’s not the safest thing ever to cry while driving but I promise I try to be really careful! 

  
Music has also really helped me get out and start exercising again. I have a running playlist filled with motivational tracks! Kelly Clarkson ‘What doesn’t kill you (Stronger)’; Eminem ‘Lose Yourself’; Kanye West ‘Stronger’; Destiny’s Child ‘Survivor’; Ben Howard ‘Keep Your Head Up’; Rudimental ‘Not Giving In’ and of course Survivor ‘Eye of the Tiger’ and so on! These songs help me to push on a little more when I really want to quit. Exercise is such an example of mind over matter and I guess life is too on a larger scale. It’s hard work, I’m tired, and all I want to do is quit but I know I have to keep going. 

  
I don’t usually like shouty emo type music but the last song I want to mention that I’m loving screaming at the minute is Bring Me The Horizon’s ‘Throne’ – 

So you can throw me to the wolves

Tomorrow I will come back

Leader of the whole pack.

Beat me black and blue

Every wound will shape me

Every scar will build my throne. 

I feel like I’ve been thrown to the wolves by life and I really don’t see myself coming back leader of anything but I like the sentiment and it’s a good one to turn the volume up to! 

  Simon and I love music and festivals. We were so excited about being ‘cool’ parents and bringing Isobel in teeny wellies to Glastonbury festival which has a spectacular Kids festival. Now we will be there on Isobel’s first birthday but without her. It’s beyond comprehension. I know though that we will do something special to celebrate her life in a really magical place with some amazing music. 

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