Monday and Tuesday were ‘good’ days. You know what I mean by this, not good in the way that days were good before Isobel died, but good meaning less crappy and more positive than other days. Wednesday morning was even good. My friend text asking how I was and I replied “I’m not too bad actually, which is somewhat frightening lol”. Then something happened…
While we were having dinner I started to feel really angry towards Simon, I couldn’t put my finger on exactly why. He made a comment about the flowers that someone sent us and I remember thinking he was ungrateful, but the rage that followed was completely disproportionate. After dinner I was still seething and started a row with him over nothing, which was closely followed by an episode of ugly, shaking, snot running, can’t breathe, heart broken crying. As I cried, I felt that what I really wanted to do was scream the loudest scream and then break everything breakable in the house. (I told Simon I wanted to scream and he said to go ahead so I gave it a try but it just made me cry more!).
Since then I’ve been crying on and off. I cried when I went to bed. I cried getting ready this morning. I cried waiting for my prescription at the chemist. I cried in town and ended up abandoning my Christmas shopping trip and coming home. I cried driving home. I feel more sad and broken, and for a longer period, than I have for a while.
As a psychologist I feel like I need to understand why this is happening, to find a trigger! Why this down spell and why now? Today marks five months to the day Isobel was born asleep. The 26th is a tough day each month. Is that why the past couple of days have been so hard? Is there something about acknowledging to my friend that I was feeling a little better and feeling guilty about that? Is it hormonal with the new pregnancy? Something to do with going back to work next week and worrying that Isobel’s time is over? Is it related to meeting with my friend and her 11 week old baby boy this morning? Am I starting to worry about Christmas and how I will cope with the holidays?
All of these things seem plausible but none completely resonate with me when I try and explore how I’m feeling. I just want Isobel. I miss her. Surely that’s enough to explain how I’m feeling but I always want her and miss her and usually I can manage a trip to town without embarrassing myself with big fat tears! I guess it is what it is for now, and I just have to deal with it. I’ve come back to bed for a rest and I’m going to do some online shopping instead! I have plans with friends tonight and although I don’t want to go at all I probably will. I’ve been promised hugs and chip shop chips!
On a minor positive note – my new favourite Max Factor mascara is so good and waterproof! Despite all the crying and rubbing of eyes it stays put miraculously! I’m normally a Lancome mascara girl but this is honestly better and cheaper! Highly recommended!