Mourning Sickness

 So I’ve been putting off writing about this because I’ve been in shock and I’ve had the fear – that as soon as I talked about it, it would be taken away. But here goes… I’m 11 weeks pregnant! 

I found out at the beginning of October when a pregnancy test casually taken ‘just to see’ was almost immediately positive. It’s been a terrifying time of very mixed emotions. Although getting pregnant quickly was my best case scenario when Isobel died, I never really imagined it would happen so quickly and without attention to ovulation and timings. It took two years and a lot of action to get pregnant with Isobel. This time was very random as our sex life had not remotely returned to normal after Isobel with the whole mix of physical and emotional difficulties consequent to having and losing her. It was practically immaculate conception! 

Alhough it was what I wanted, as soon as I found out I was pregnant, all I felt was fear. I worried that I was not ready emotionally or even physically to experience pregnancy but most of all to cope with another loss. I thought that a loss of this pregnancy will be the last nail in the coffin of my mental health. I still do think this. I didn’t want to tell anyone because I felt irresponsible that I was putting them through this again so I didn’t have anyone except Simon to talk to and his coping strategy was to pretend it wasn’t happening which didn’t help me much!  

I had to fight with the health service to get started on blood thinners which I knew from reading online was the minimum treatment suggested to try and prevent the placental clots that killed Isobel. Then I had to fight to get seen in the Early Pregnancy Unit to see if things were developing on track. The hospital couldn’t seem to understand why I couldn’t just wait until my 12 week scan and made no allowances for my anxiety at all. I’ve been so disappointed with the health service. So although we can’t afford it, we’ve decided to borrow money and have private antenatal care. We met with the doctor on Monday and I’m so happy with our decision. She is going to scan me weekly from now on and I know she will do everything she can to make sure we don’t lose another baby. 

It’s only been seven weeks since I found out and it’s been the longest seven weeks of my life! After our positive scan yesterday we told our friends and families so that may make it easier going forward. People’s reactions have been very positive but even that annoys me. Reacting like its the best news in the world that I’m pregnant only makes sense in a world in which I don’t have Isobel, and I don’t want to live in that world. I want to have a five month old baby right now and have the thought of another pregnancy be the last thing on my mind. I should be getting ready for Isobel’s first Christmas, not obsessively checking for any signs of spotting and scanning my stomach for cramps. Even going to the hospital for scans is retraumatising. It was less than five months ago that I was there for Isobel. In truth I don’t want another baby, I want Isobel. 

That’s not really to say that I don’t want this baby. I cried my heart out yesterday with relief when I heard their heartbeat and saw them moving around. I’m trying not to get attached but I find myself talking to the baby, willing it to grow and live. I have briefly allowed myself to contemplate that this could be our rainbow. But the biggest part of me is just waiting to lose it and hoping it will be sooner rather than later. I hope it makes sense that it’s not that I want to lose it, I’m just so pessimistic and hope is hard to hold. 

How do you mourn for your first baby while contemplating either losing another, or having a live child? I’m trying to keep focused on Isobel and my grieving process as I know this is work I need to do either to face another loss or to face parenting after loss. It’s all very overwhelming just now. 

These are our scans so far – 6 weeks, 8 weeks and 11 weeks.  Please hang in there baby 💕

  

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22 thoughts on “Mourning Sickness

  1. Congrats on your baby! I understand how you’re feeling. I had a full term abruption 3 years ago, then a miscarriage at 9 weeks five months ago. I too am now 12 weeks pregnant. Cautiously expecting this baby had been hard and I almost don’t want to share it anyone.

    Prayers and positive thoughts we both get healthy babies in May and June!

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    1. Oh that’s great news for you. It’s such a rollercoaster isn’t it?! I totally understand wanting to keep this little one to yourself although I must say I feel some relief now all our close people know. I hope for both of us that the next seven months will go well and quickly with healthy little ones! Xx

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  2. I have been thinking about you the last couple of months. I know accepting this baby as your rainbow is hard for so many reasons, but this baby does not and could not replace your Isobel. Nothing about this pregnancy will be emotionally easy but know that people are sending you positive thoughts and virtual support. I wish you a healthy 29 more weeks and a healthy, happy baby.

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    1. Thanks Mindy, I’m following your updates too. It’s weird but lovely how you become so invested in the lives of people you haven’t met in person! Hope all is progressing well with you, I know that we’re getting great medical care now so can’t do anything else but look after myself and wait and see! Xx

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  3. All of your thoughts and feelings are perfectly understandable. I’m 35 and feel I can’t wait too much longer to TTC again, so if all goes “well” I too will soon be in the same boat and I am sure having the exact same thoughts and emotions. I don’t know where your faith is right now – I certainly don’t know where mine is – but my “plan” is to just do the best I can and leave the rest in God’s hands. Doing my best will, I’m sure, involve trying to smother all negative thoughts with a long list of distractions and positive mantras. You are not alone! I’m here – just message me if you ever want to talk. You are a strong and beautiful mama!

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    1. Thank you so much Luke’s mom. There are so many negative thoughts and fears but I’m definitely working on distraction and acceptance that I’m doing everything I can. I don’t believe in any gods but I know that nature is miraculous and healthy babies are being born every day with the help of medicine so I guess my faith as such is with the doctor.

      I know what you mean about that age pressure. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t so encouraged to focus on my career first as a young woman. That sounds very unfeminist I know, but it’s awful to feel the pressure of a biological clock! Contrary to what I’ve done, I would say to take as much time as you think you can manage before ttc. This pregnancy has been harder emotionally than I ever could have imagined and I really wasn’t ready for it! But rolling with it and adapting as best I can and it would always be hard even in a year or two! Thanks for your support, it really is much appreciated xx

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    1. Thanks so much, so far I’ve been avoiding everything support group wise! I think I’ve been waiting for it to all be over so almost tried to pretend it wasn’t happening! Will check the groups out now though. This pregnancy after loss thing is harder than I ever would have imagined! Xx

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  4. You hang in there too, mama. Everything you’re feeling is totally normal. Be gentle with yourself, and let others be gentle with you too. Sending best wishes to you and Simon and your little passenger.

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  5. Wow.
    I know you’d want nothing more than Isobel (I’ve been there too). This baby doesn’t make it better. Not at all.
    I felt a wave of emotion seeing this post. I’m so happy for you. When I lost Aida I wanted to be pregnant again. Right away. I think back now and wonder if it’s more because I wanted to get back on the track Which I was derailed. I hated each month which passed and I wasn’t pregnant. 2.5 years and four IVFs later, I was pregnant with Owen.
    Anyway I just want to congratulate you. I’m so happy you have another chance to be a mom again. You and Simon deserve this and I can’t wait to see him/her. I know you must be terrified. I know I was. I really hope all goes well this time around. Perhaps you can discuss with your OB to induce as soon as you’re term.

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    1. Thank you, I know we’re so lucky to have conceived again. I’m still in shock about that! Less than two years ago we were told there was no chance at all of us conceiving naturally and now here I am on pregnancy number two! It seems ungrateful to say that it’s too soon because I can imagine that it felt like your life was just on hold until you became pregnant with Owen. It’s so so scary, the thought of going through a miscarriage was bad enough but now that’s less likely my fears are about another stillbirth. I’ve no idea how I could do this again!

      The dr has already said I would be induced at 37 weeks at latest and earlier if any reason for concern. She also said I could be admitted to hospital for the last couple of weeks if my anxiety was really high. She’s really great. I just hope we get to the stage where baby can come out if needs be!

      Thank you for commenting and I’m sure you’ll be reading more of my terror in posts to come xx

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      1. I find that fascinating that you got pregnant naturally. The body is a mystery. And how lucky!!!
        I totally know how you are feeling about it. It’s very scary. And although I wish we didn’t take 2.5 years, it gave me lots of healing time. I believe it’s made it easier for me to focus on Owen and not live in the past.
        Hang in there and I’m hoping for the best outcome. It will be nerve wracking the whole way but we are here for you. Use your blog as an outlet! Xo

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