I’m not sure how, but I found Amelia K on Instagram after Isobel was born. Amelia is a Canadian yoga instructor who, when I started to follow her, was pregnant with her rainbow baby after losing her first son at full term last year. I was so happy to see the news of the safe arrival of her little girl Lily a few days ago.
This morning, I compulsively flicked back through 71 weeks of her posts to her first announcement that her little boy Landon had been born with no brain activity after an emergency Caesarian section. I cried as I read about her loss, her immediate response to grief, her grief journey over the months that followed, and her discovery of her pregnancy with her rainbow (I think around seven months after her son died). So many thought were prompted by her feed, which is inspiring and beautiful and hopeful above all. But my big revelation was how open Amelia was about her rainbow pregnancy, announcing it to thousands of strangers as soon as she found out at 6 weeks. This is in such contrast to how I feel about my current pregnancy which I was almost afraid to acknowledge even to myself because I was scared that if I admitted I wanted it, it would be harder when I lost it.
I’m starting to question the wisdom of this. If I stop myself from getting excited, from being hopeful, from having thoughts about getting to take this baby home, and this baby dies, will it really be any easier? Will I be glad that I didn’t allow myself to experience joy in the pregnancy, or might I actually feel guilty that this little one’s brief life was never celebrated in the way that Isobel’s was when I was pregnant with her? We are glad that we spent Isobel’s pregnancy in blissful ignorance because she brought us such happy moments, shouldn’t we allow this baby the same impact?
I know that it’s not quite as simple as deciding how to feel. The anxiety that holds me back is understandable and I can’t just pretend it’s not there. I also know that it’s still early days with this pregnancy and my feelings will evolve as time goes on (I feel compelled to write ‘if’ time goes on). But I feel conflicted, part of me wants to tell the world that I’m pregnant, to share scan pictures and to talk about this baby like its going to live. The other part of me feels so stupid for thinking that with Isobel and doesn’t want to make the same naive mistake again. Five months ago I was sharing scan pictures of Isobel, look how that turned out! I also worry that people will judge me for getting pregnant again so quickly. I judge myself. I feel irresponsible.
Maybe for now, I will just share here and see what happens as time goes on. So here is week 12 – we have legs!