Sometimes when something tough happens, like my disagreement with my Dad, I’ll want to write about it. Sometimes though I feel like I can’t write, I don’t know what to say and it stops me from blogging about anything else then because there’s this big thing that I haven’t acknowledged.
This time it’s that Simon’s mum, my mother-in-law, has been diagnosed with terminal cancer.
Writing that was hard. I have such a mix of emotions. I am so fucked off with life. I know that people get sick and people die but it’s just so much for Simon and I to have to deal with after losing Isobel and trying to manage the anxiety of this pregnancy too. Reading that sounds really selfish, like Simon’s mum being ill is all about me, about us. Of course I’m devastated for my lovely mother-in-law, the most vibrant and kind of women, so young at only 60. I’m heartbroken for Simon’s younger sister, with no relationship with her Dad and facing losing her Mum, the thought of her wedding in the future with neither parent is so sad. I’m scared for what my mother-in-law will have to face in terms of pain and disability as her body gets sicker. But as well as all that I’m angry that life couldn’t give Simon and I a year or two to grieve for Isobel and to get through this pregnancy before heaping another pile of crap all over us! I worry about the effect of another significant loss on Simon’s coping and subsequently on our relationship.
But such is arbitrary and random life, there is no one deciding what is fair, who deserves what challenges and when. We have added it to our pile of ‘crap we have to get through’ and we’re plodding on. Plodding along surprisingly well and surprisingly together. I could/should/*will* write a whole relationship post. It hasn’t been easy but I think we’re doing a little better than we were.
We’re waiting to see if they will offer Simon’s mum any treatment. The hope is they will offer something to extend her time with us. Meanwhile she came to a research scan I had scheduled, a project on high risk pregnancies. It was lovely that she got to see the little one. I’m 21 weeks now and all is looking good, as I write, the baby is kicking. There’s so much more I could talk about but I’ve written enough for now.