So. Not. Impressed. With. Life.

  Sometimes when something tough happens, like my disagreement with my Dad, I’ll want to write about it. Sometimes though I feel like I can’t write, I don’t know what to say and it stops me from blogging about anything else then because there’s this big thing that I haven’t acknowledged. 

This time it’s that Simon’s mum, my mother-in-law, has been diagnosed with terminal cancer. 

Writing that was hard. I have such a mix of emotions. I am so fucked off with life. I know that people get sick and people die but it’s just so much for Simon and I to have to deal with after losing Isobel and trying to manage the anxiety of this pregnancy too. Reading that sounds really selfish, like Simon’s mum being ill is all about me, about us. Of course I’m devastated for my lovely mother-in-law, the most vibrant and kind of women, so young at only 60. I’m heartbroken for Simon’s younger sister, with no relationship with her Dad and facing losing her Mum, the thought of her wedding in the future with neither parent is so sad. I’m scared for what my mother-in-law will have to face in terms of pain and disability as her body gets sicker. But as well as all that I’m angry that life couldn’t give Simon and I a year or two to grieve for Isobel and to get through this pregnancy before heaping another pile of crap all over us! I worry about the effect of another significant loss on Simon’s coping and subsequently on our relationship. 

But such is arbitrary and random life, there is no one deciding what is fair, who deserves what challenges and when. We have added it to our pile of ‘crap we have to get through’ and we’re plodding on. Plodding along surprisingly well and surprisingly together. I could/should/*will* write a whole relationship post. It hasn’t been easy but I think we’re doing a little better than we were. 
We’re waiting to see if they will offer Simon’s mum any treatment. The hope is they will offer something to extend her time with us. Meanwhile she came to a research scan I had scheduled, a project on high risk pregnancies. It was lovely that she got to see the little one. I’m 21 weeks now and all is looking good, as I write, the baby is kicking. There’s so much more I could talk about but I’ve written enough for now. 

  So that’s enough now life. No more bad news please. No more death and no more cancer. Our plates are officially full! 

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7 thoughts on “So. Not. Impressed. With. Life.

  1. So sorry to hear about your mother in law. I can imagine that is really difficult (understatement) and that life really is throwing all the **** at you. I have watched someone die of cancer and it is horrible to have someone snatched away. But equally we were lucky to have extremely good (amazing) hospice care. It is no consolation but I can tell you the care in a hospice is second to none – it’s not like a hospital at all, and more like a home where it’s all about the residents. (There’s a drinks trolley and piano playing and dog visits… and the staff are always nice, even if the patient is rude to them as ours was!) I hope that anything like that is a long way off for your mother in law and that you get some comfort from the fact that she will be enjoying your pregnancy, and that she was there for Isobel. I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this. X

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  2. I’m really sorry that you’re having such a tough time. It’s so hard getting through pregnancy after loss on its own without any extra problems. My mum has been through cancer twice, I’m so lucky to still have her here with me. It’s such a tough road, seeing someone you love going through it all and knowing that at the end you will lose them but you find the strength because you have to, you have to carry on for the little person growing inside you. It’s just so hard and you must feel so emotionally and physically broken. I’d give you the biggest hug if I could. It’s so lovely that your mother in law was able to come to the scan with you. It’s such a special thing to share. I really hope that they do offer some treatment and that you get the time to make some precious memories together xxx

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  3. My god, I’m not impressed with life either. F’in cancer, f’in MPFD. You’re right – it’s all so arbitrary and unfair. Sending you strength to make it through the days … I’m so happy to hear about 21 weeks and hoping to hear about many, many more.

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    1. Thanks, yes we’ve really been faced with the fragility of life and health recently! I suppose it helps us to appreciate the importance of people and relationships if nothing else! X

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  4. I’m so very sorry for your mother in laws diagnosis, and all it means for your family. I don’t think you are being selfish at all – it must seem like you can barely come up for air and then another wave drags you down. Not fun. Wishing you much strength.

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