I thought I’d update on things from my past few posts that have developed or not as the case may be!
Firstly and best of all, our little one is still with us and growing well at 22 weeks. We found out that we’re going to have a little boy this time! (I do have quite a spectacular penis picture but thought best not to start sharing that on the internet lest Social Services become concerned!).
It was a strange piece of news. Mostly I just want a healthy, live baby! However I have to admit that I was a little disappointed. I have always wanted a little girl and pictured myself as a mummy to a girl. Finding out we were having a boy made me grieve a little harder for Isobel and the little girl experience and daughter that I’m not going to have, at least for now and maybe never will. I still feel that way a little but am coming around to the idea of a son and have no doubt that when he is here, heart beating, all of my gender disappointment will vanish.
We are still being seen and scanned weekly and know growth could still become restricted at any time or like with Isobel the placenta could just stop working without a sign. It’s still terrifying but I am stating to feel little flickers of hope that this might be the baby we get to raise. We are starting to have tentative conversations where we allow ourselves to consider that that baby might live. We are enjoying feeling his movement as it gets stronger and just hoping it all continues to go well. The plan is to have an elective section (recommended so as not to put the baby under any stress) at 37 weeks so we just have 15 weeks to go. It still seems like a long way to me but all we can do is put one foot in front of the other and hope we’ll get there.
Now for an update on my Dad situation! Since thinking and talking about it I felt a lot more understanding towards him. As hurtful as his words were, I know he would never hurt me on purpose and he just doesn’t have the emotional literacy to deal with grief in a helpful way. How he raised a child who grew up to be psychologist I’ll never know!!! Especially with the situation with Simon’s mum I just think life is too short and precious to hold on to conflict, unless of course someone has been deliberately hurtful or abusive. My sister tells me that he is genuinely devastated about what happened to Isobel and he just doesn’t know how to show it. You have to feel sorry for someone like that.
In the spirit of reconciliation I sent my Dad an email, basically saying I understood it must be hard for him to see me hurting and be unable to help and that might make him want to pretend the whole thing never happened. But that for us that was not a helpful way of coping and really if he disagreed with how we were coping he should stay quiet about it. I also sent a link to this article. I talked about how he’d always been supportive to me and I didn’t want our relationship to be damaged now. I ended it with a question about my taxes and said if he wanted to do something practical he could work that out. His response to all of that?! Two words and a question mark: “tax code?”. It actually make me laugh out loud. A whole email baring my emotions, and that’s the response!
I still feel good that I said what I needed to and he will have listened to it, although he didn’t feel able to respond in an emotional way, that’s really not surprising as that’s the heart of the problem. So I’ve moved on from that, let it go and hopefully he just won’t say anything about Isobel in future.
As for Simon’s Mum, it’s been confirmed that her cancer will be terminal and the timescale will be a matter of months rather than years. Her poor liver has 8 tumours and really will not be functioning at all. She also has tumours on her pelvis and spine. She has been offered chemo if she wants it but told that it is likely to extend her time only by a month or so. It seems like it might not be worth facing the side effects of the chemo and the impact on her quality of life for the small beneficial effect it might have, but she still needs to decide this.
Simon talked to the doctors about the baby and they seemed confident that his Mum would be here in May for the baby (hopefully) arriving and that having something to look forward to might actually help her. Simon so wants his mum to pass away knowing that things have improved for us and knowing that he will be happy. We feel even more terrified now – if that’s possible – that something will go wrong with the pregnancy and then the remainder of her time with us will be nothing but negativity and sadness. We’re just trying to stay in the present though and not get carried away thinking about what might happen next. Once we know if she is having treatment or not, we can make plans for some nice family things over the next few months. I’m really proud of Simon and how he is being there to support his Mum and sister, and dealing with all of it on top of everything else. He’s definitely a keeper 💕
So that’s everything! I am really enjoying being back at work, it is my oasis of calm in a crazy life! Which when said by a psychologist who works with suicidal teens, is a real statement about how crazy the rest of life is!!!!