All The ‘Me’s

 I’ve always done this weird thing where I view what I’m doing in a particular moment and assess what a past ‘me’ would think if they could have a glimpse in to the future and see that moment. I guess it’s a bit of an evaluative check in with myself to see if the past ‘me’ would be happy with what’s happening in her future. 

Up to the point where Isobel died I was usually pretty confident that past ‘me’ would be impressed with what current ‘me’ was up to. Past ‘me’ who didn’t yet have a long term relationship would have been very surprised and delighted to see me with Simon and getting married. Past ‘me’ who was unsure about my career progression would have been happy to see me working in my dream job. Past ‘me’ living in our old flat would love to see our nice house in my favourite area in Belfast. And so on… 

Now though it gets really confusing because there are too many past ‘me’s! 

So there’s past ‘me’ pre-Isobel who would be amazed and overjoyed to see me pregnant now and would be thinking life must be all good for me. 

There’s past ‘me’ pregnant with Isobel, wondering where the hell my baby is and why I’m pregnant again. This me is incredulous that I’m dealing with losing my baby. That I’m having calm conversations about headstones, fundraising for stillbirth and planning what to do for a first anniversary. 

Then the past ‘me’ after Isobel died who instantly worried about ever getting pregnant again and past ‘me’ who on discovering she was pregnant could never imagine getting to 12 weeks never mind 33 weeks. These versions of me would be relieved to know that there would be another pregnancy and that it would be carried to this stage, and hopeful that there will be a baby to take home this time. 

Now when I do my little check in thing (not on purpose, it just happens!) I have all these versions of myself present in my mind at once and I don’t know what to think or how to feel! It seems like my previously relatively integrated sense of self has just disintegrated, leaving me with this fragmented metal state. It’s all very confusing! I suppose it makes sense to be confused while trying to hold all the emotions of still being shocked and horrified about what happened to Isobel, sad about losing her, glad to be pregnant, guilty about being pregnant, anxious about being pregnant and who knows what else all at the same time! 

Am I the only one who does this past ‘me’ thing? Am I completely crazy? Be honest – future ‘me’ can take it! 

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8 thoughts on “All The ‘Me’s

  1. I don’t know if I do the “past me” thing as consciously as you do… Maybe subconsciously? Sometimes I want to write letters from future me to past me to console her, which is kind of the opposite… Not that I feel I could console her, because I’m still struggling so much in so many ways, but maybe there is more hope than there was a few months ago? I don’t know. It’s all so complicated. And exhausting. But I don’t think you’re crazy!

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    1. Complicated and exhausting pretty much sums it all up! I think in a way finding stories of people who are doing ok further along is similar to the idea of getting reassurance from your future self, it definitely helped me a lot initially. I don’t tend to include future ‘me’s in the thinking but I do often think that I will look back on this time and wonder how the hell I got through it!

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      1. Oh I agree. I think by future me I was actually referring to present me (future relative to past me). Geeeez – so confusing. I tend not to include actual future me in anything either – too risky… Just living one day at a time currently. Yes – we’ll all look back on this and wonder how the hell we survived to be certain.

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  2. I’m actually the opposite of you guys as I DO think of the future me, probably because I’m so caught up in and worried about what will happen. Like, will the future me look back at the present me and want to assure her that everything will be OK? Or will she just pity the present me for how right she turned out to be? Anyway, I’m at 9 weeks wondering how I’m ever going to get to 16 weeks, let alone 33, so thank you for inspiring me 🙂

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    1. I remember 9 weeks, I know at that stage even 12 seems so so far away. I won’t lie, every week has seemed long but they have passed! You’ll get there, future you is so proud of you getting through each day xx

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  3. I found myself thinking of “old me” today. I try to keep it to old me and present me though, future me is too much planning and I have vowed to give up on planning for a little while!

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