Remember When Reassurance Used To Be Reassuring?! 

  I had my weekly antenatal appointment with my consultant today as usual. The baby continues to be a giant (growing over the 90th centile), fluid is good, blood flow is good and my doctor assures me all is well. Yet I’m sitting here at home with my heart racing wondering when is it all going to go wrong. I’m being seen twice weekly now, with the other appointment on a Friday with the midwife to check fluid, bloodflow and do a CTG. I know Monday to Friday is not long. Friday to Monday is even shorter. I’m still so scared though that it’ll all go to hell between those appointments. I just have two weeks and five days until my planned c-section on 13th May. It seems close but yet way too far away. 

I think part of the problem is that Isobel did die so suddenly, having been growing on track with a normal scan including bloodflow check just a week before she died. According to the post-mortem report she was deprived of oxygen over a six hour period. So I could be scanned every day and this baby would still potentially have six hours in which to die unnoticed. Taking the next 18 days until my section, that’s around 432 hours until the baby comes out and 72 sets of six hours. 72 times the baby could be starved of oxygen and die between now and then. I know that I am paying attention to movements and especially now that I’m off work I would notice if the baby went any length of time without moving, but I don’t find that reassuring either. I think reassurance is just not possible in this situation. 

I wish someone could tell me it would be OK and I would believe them. The reality is, when people tell me it will be ok, it makes me angry, like they clearly don’t understand the situation and should really just be quiet! The only person I would have any chance of believing would be my doctor but she is careful not to make promises. All she says is that everything is as it should be for now. I would love her to lie to me and tell me she is 100% sure this baby will be born alive and thrive. 

18 days. Hang in there little one 💕 

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7 thoughts on “Remember When Reassurance Used To Be Reassuring?! 

  1. I really identify with this post. Seven weeks until my c-section and I’m so scared it’s going to be the end rather than the beginning. It doesn’t matter how many people tell me it’s going to be ok. Lentil’s heartbeat was fine then 15 minutes later it had slowed right down, we were straight in an ambulance and then immediately being prepped for c-section when his heart stopped completely. It was just so quick. I dont think I’ll be able to believe that everything will be ok until Pip is in my arms.

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    1. So so quick! Life can change completely in a matter of minutes. It’s terrifying to have to know that. I think you’re right, until the babies are out and screaming the anxiety is just going to be a constant companion!!! Hope you are doing ok xx

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      1. I’m getting there! I can’t decide if I want it to hurry up and go more quickly or slow down! I just want Pip here safe, I’m sure you feel the same about your little one xx

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  2. Totally! Time can’t go quickly enough for me. I’ve finished work now and although I was so tired and needed a break I’m already feeling at a loose end! I don’t want to nest or do baby things either! Just want 13th May to be here!!!!

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  3. I’ve felt this same way with Owen. I wished there’d be a crystal ball saying he wouldn’t come early and he’s survive. It’s so hard to hold your breath and just have to wait. I wish you best of luck!! Xo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! It’s amazing how two weeks now feels about as far away as two months did in March! Time is so strange! I’m sure there must be some patience or mindfulness skills strengthening through this process!!! Xx

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