I am a few days late getting started with Capture Your Grief 2016 due to a good friend’s wedding on Saturday and my first hangover in two years on Sunday! This raises a concern reflective about my feelings towards Capture Your Grief this year – how dedicated will I be to the project this year? Last year in the midst of the rawest grief, it was a relief to have a focus every day and a prompt to express everything that was overwhelming my mind. I had no problem writing every day for each prompt and nothing but time in which to write. I find it much harder to explain how I feel on a year on, and I anticipate that with the busyness of life these days, there will be days that I will miss and I already feel the guilt of that. I feel the guilt of letting Theo take over Isobel’s space in my life because he is here, and she is not. The balance of mothering a baby who is not here and one who is, is ever challenging.
Who she is, is my daughter Isobel Olivia. My first baby, stillborn on 26th June 2015 at 39 weeks and 2 days gestation. She had her mummy’s nose and daddy’s chin, she weighed 7lbs2oz, she was 55 cm long, and she was beautiful. We buried her on her due date, 30th June and we have been missing her every moment of every day since then.
My participation in Capture Your Grief is in memory of Isobel but is is also for Theo. I have a duty to Theo to make sure his mama is as well as she can be, that her grief is as worked through as possible and that his sister is honoured and remembered but never overshadows his presence by her absence.
Picture taken this morning in Lisburn, Northern Ireland by my friend Katrina.