Capture Your Grief: Day 5 – The Unspoken

I’m sure most people fantasise about a world in which their baby didn’t die, but I think I might be the only person that lets myself day dream every now and then about a life in which Isobel never existed. I pretend to myself that Theo is my first baby. I imagine that I never went through the trauma of having a stillborn baby girl, that I am a normal happy mother of one, that there isn’t a big part of my heart missing. It’s like a little taster of a normal life. It can never last long, but the more interesting question is if I would want it to. Would I erase her existence just so that I could save myself from missing her? My heretofore unspoken is that sometimes, I think I would. 

Advertisements

6 thoughts on “Capture Your Grief: Day 5 – The Unspoken

  1. Incredibly honest of you and very brave to put words around all this. When we are experiencing grief breaks, I am sure part of that is sometimes pretending in very small moments that we did not lose our babies. Because it eases the awful realisation of the journey we are on.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I tried to consider a life where they had lived but the opposite? I don’t know. I don’t like to think of any loss as a trade off or teachable moment but there’s no doubt that I would be a different person. Whether that’s a good or bad thing I don’t know and is something I’ll keep locked away along with the alternate time line where they did live.

    My unspoken is a cheat as I have spoken of it but even then it felt like the unsayable.

    I didn’t find my stillborn sons beautiful. They were not perfect and at times their appearance horrified me.

    #captureyourgrief

    Like

    1. We are absolutely different people, I’m just 15 months on so it’s hard to assess but I definitely don’t feel that I am only changed for the better. I know my husband feels like he is a better more empathic person now though.

      Thank you so much for sharing your unspoken too. When Isobel was born I thought she was terrifying. I wanted to say she looked scary but I thought no mother should think that so I said she looked scared. I did come to appreciate her beauty later but I did struggle with the marks on her skin. It’s just not how you picture your perfect baby and it’s heartbreaking to see them dead. Thanks for commenting x

      Liked by 2 people

  3. I would prefer a life where the pregnancy with Nadia never happened. I have no doubt about it. I would not have known her, but I am tormented by not knowing her as it is. I would have loved another child just the same, but I would not be living with this gaping hole. I would give up the pain if I could. I am no deeper, no wiser. Just infinitely sadder.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for your honesty, it’s such a weird world of hypotheticals where you can feel guilty for thinking about something that would never be possible. I fully agree with what you’ve written and it links to my Capture Your Grief post from today about lemons and lemonade. There can never be enough good from the experience to make it ok. Xx

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s