Sooooooooo relationships. I tried to write this post all day yesterday but it felt too big and all encompassing to know where to start. I would say that all of my relationships have changed, partly because I have changed since losing Isobel, but partly I think because relationships do change as we get older and become parents anyway. Some have deteriorated, some are stronger than ever. Those that have grown deeper now feel pretty indestructible which is a nice feeling. I have been pleasantly surprised by the degree of support and thoughtfulness from some people I wouldn’t necessarily have expected it from. I think going forward I would like to see my relationships get back to having a little more fun and enjoyment again.
My relationship with Simon has been through major trials since Isobel was born. There were definitely times when as much as we loved each other, I was sure we would be one of those post-baby loss divorce statistics. Of course we still could be, but now I feel much less concerned about that. I feel like now we know entirely everything about each other and have been through the very worst of times together, nothing else in the future will be as challenging. I have so much love and admiration for him, for how he loved Isobel so freely in death as in life, how he coped with losing her, how he supported me and how he never once made me feel like he held me responsible for what happened. I still don’t really understand how he doesn’t blame me. Seeing him with Theo makes my heart melt and I feel proud that I picked such an amazing father for my babies. Plus I still think he’s really hot and after almost seven years together I think that’s pretty good going!
Obviously I will never know what kind of mother I would have been had Isobel lived. I suspect though that my relationship with Theo has been massively affected by my previous loss. Instead of having infinite patience and appreciation as you might predict, I think that I have less patience with Theo than I would have expected. I get really frustrated when he cries and feel like I need to be able to make him better immediately or I just want to give
(Sorry I deleted this after posting on Instagram before posting here so the rest is screenshot of Instagram post!)