I’ve been very involved with Baby Loss Awareness month this year. As well as completing Capture Your Grief, I did an interview for a local newspaper, had an article published on Still Mothers that was shared on Facebook over 1000 times, attended the screening of Still Loved where my husband spoke on the Q and A panel and presented my therapeutic retreat proposal to a SANDS committee to successfully secure funding.
As wonderful and worthy as all of that is, and as much as I love being able to talk about Isobel and share her story, it is really draining too. The flip side of every experience of speaking out or sharing something is that ache in my chest, that sick feeling in my throat, the sadness that I am doing this because my baby died. I swing between embracing this life that I’m living, and feeling extreme resentment that this is my experience. I move between the numbness of it almost not seeming real and the gut wrenching reality slap that it actually happened. And in lots of ways is still happening on a daily basis.
There is no doubt that many things are easier than they were last year. I’m sure to people on the outside, I seem back to my normal self a lot of the time. And that’s not a wholly false perception. I feel so different than the old me but yet more recognisable to myself than I was last year. I’ve gotten used to having part of my mind always thinking hard thoughts and to being intermittently swept away in sadness or anger or guilt. I know now that the intensity of those feelings will always ease after a while and that I can cope until it does. Sometimes I’m afraid to say things like this though, because I worry people will think I’m better and although I’m not quite sure why, that scares me.
I think this description of grief is excellent. It’s not something I will ever be finished with, but it is something that I can absorb and still live a meaningful life while carrying. I’m both sad and relieved that Capture Your Grief is over for another year. I am thankful to everyone who shared their hearts, who read my posts and to Carly Marie for creating such a beautiful outlet for our thoughts and feelings. Until next year…