Simon and I took Theo to a ‘Baby’s First Christmas’ baby sensory class at the weekend which was lots of fun.
At one point, a couple beside us were playing with a balloon. The dad bopped the mum on the head with the balloon and laughing, she grabbed it and bopped him back. Something I really notice when we’re out with (what I perceive to be) normal/non-loss parents is that Simon and I have lost a lot of our lightness and playfulness that we once had with each other.
Although we really try to interact with Theo in a fun and joyful way – Simon is a lot better at this than me – I don’t think we make the same effort with each other anymore. Silly things like play fighting, tickling or teasing each other which we used to do would just seem really alien now. I feel like we’ve become an old married couple years and years before our time because of the weight of grief and everything we’ve been through. Sometimes Simon makes me laugh and I notice how strange it seems and unusual even though I laugh at Theo all the time.
I don’t really have anything profound to say on this topic! It’s just something I’ve noticed and I wonder if our levity is something we can ever get back?
An Elefunk Never Forgets 
Thank you so much for writing this. It’s exactly how I feel and I was only wondering the other day if this is something that will ever return. I really hope that with time it does and wonder if perhaps for now we are trying so hard to make sure our living children have a wonderful, happy time that we are too worn out for any levity? Grief is such a tiring thing and just functioning and living takes great effort (we aren’t even conscious of this sometimes). This loss of levity is another unexpected side effect of grief and I very much hope the saying of time being a healer applies here. Sending hugs x
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This is so true. It takes such effort to be a fun and excited mum when grief is trying to weigh me down! Hugs to you too x
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