Things I’m feeling guilty for…

I’m conscious that I haven’t written a blog post for ages! There have been times I’ve wanted to but I just haven’t made the effort. It seems like what I need to write at the minute is a list of things I’m feeling guilty for, in no particular order!!! 

Things I’m feeling guilty for 

– Ignoring my blog

– I haven’t been to Isobel’s grave since Christmas Eve. This is terrible. I hate seeing her pretty name on the grave. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do there. Am I supposed to cry? Am I supposed to talk to her? I’m pretty sure I’m not supposed to picture her rotting body which is what I tend to do. Should I go more often to get over this association? Should I only go when I really want to? What if that means I never go? 

– I didn’t make any effort for Theo for Easter. I saw all these babies on Instagram with Easter outfits and bunnies and it literally never even occurred to me to do anything for him. Am I neglecting both my children?

– Theo being in nursery long days. 

– My friend told me last night she is pregnant with twins! It was a huge surprise as she hasn’t been with her boyfriend for that long and I thought they might get engaged first. I am happy for her and really excited…but I’m also jealous of her naïveté, her excitement and honestly some part of me almost wants something bad to happen so that she knows how it feels. She was saying about how she has to tell our other friend separately as she has been through cancer and it looks like her fertility has been negatively affected. It didn’t seem to occur to her that I would have complicated feelings to a pregnancy announcement now that I have Theo. But I do. 

– We’re planning Theo’s first birthday. I want to be excited and happy, and I am, but I feel sick about it too. As Theo gets older, Isobel’s death and absence gets starker. Why is she not here? 

– I’ve barely even thought about Isobel’s anniversary. 

– I still haven’t printed out never mind framed, any photos of Theo. 

– Simon and I aren’t getting on as well as I would like. Sometimes we’re fine but other times we are really horrible to each other and that’s more often than I would like. I love how he is with Theo, he’s the best dad ever, but I don’t feel like we have much fun together anymore. This worries me. He’s quite insecure at the minute and says he gets the feeling I’m not ‘in love’ with him anymore. I probably should be making more of an effort to make him feel loved but I kinda can’t be bothered either which makes me worry if he’s right? 

[ Related ]

– Theo was sick and Simon wanted me to take him to the doctor again, I didn’t think it was necessary. Simon said “We have a habit of thinking things are ok when they’re not…”. I took this to relate to Isobel. The night before she died I had a little pain while out for a walk. I was excited thinking it was the beginning of labour. Simon said we should go to hospital, I brushed it off thinking there was no need until the pain was regular / worse. It went away. The next day there was no movement and she was dead. 

– Isobel died. 
– I let Isobel die. 

– I didn’t prevent her from dying. 

– I did this to myself, to Simon, to our family, to Theo. 

– I’m letting it affect me. 

– I’m letting it affect me too much. 

– I’m not letting it affect me enough. 

– I don’t know what to do with this. 

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8 thoughts on “Things I’m feeling guilty for…

  1. Isn’t it crazy….guilt that is. All mothers have it but I find it’s multiplied when you have lost a child. Don’t stress to much about the hubbie. The worst times of my marriage has been when we have small babies at home. Husband wants attention and your to exhausted to give it. Not to mention your grieving.,,,always grieving….and sometimes their emotional needs seem like one more burden. It’s aweful to say that but it’s the truth. Try to be good to yourself. Don’t put more pressure on yourself. Life is messy…you know that better than anyone. One day at a time.

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    1. Thank you, I definitely think some of what we’re going through is normal ‘we have a young child’ stuff but with an underlying ‘i blame myself for Isobel dying, do you blame me too?’ layer! Xx

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I relate to everything you’ve written… so much guilt around the fact that he could have lived had we acted sooner. So many conflicted feelings now I have a rainbow baby. Also, I pictured Freddie rotting before he was cremated 😦 xxx

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    1. So much guilt. For me it’s the part of the loss that hasn’t evolved at all as time has passed.
      Thank you for sharing about your upsetting thoughts too, glad it’s not just my mind that goes to these awful places!!
      Hugs xx

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  3. Big hugs. I haven’t been to Max’s grave since before Christmas too- as much as I feel guilty I also just find it too hard to be there and I always picture what he must look like now. We can remember them in so many other ways and places.

    That sounds like a really tough conversation with Simon- I’d be devastated too. I’m sure he didn’t mean it like that- grief and pain and exhaustion speaking.

    You’re a wonderful Mummy to both your babies xxx

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  4. Thank you Anne Marie. I see what seems like everyone caring for graves and I just don’t have that desire. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one!

    I do think Simon thinks I’m a bit complacent about health things as I don’t tend to freak out. Which was fine before but now I can’t say “I think it’s fine” with any credibility! So complex!

    Hope you’re keeping ok and that wee bubs is kicking up a storm x

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