My goodness it’s been so long since I’ve written a blog post! I’ve been mostly using Instagram for thoughts of late (I’m llamaluciana for anyone who doesn’t follow me there) but sometimes feel I just need the anonymity of a post here where no one knows me in real life!
In a very brief catalogue of updates: I’m 19 weeks pregnant with rainbow number two; my 14 year old nephew has cancer; my mother-in-law with terminal cancer is still battling on; my father-in-law died from cancer in January; I’m in the midst of a love hate relationship with my husband; I rarely see my friends any more; after a full year of recurrent chest infections Theo is doing loads better but still has problems sleeping; I am terrified about my 20 week scan on Monday; I have an interview for my dream job on Tuesday; I’m presenting at a SANDS / Midwives conference on Thursday; Isobel’s third birthday is 26th June and we have no plans; I’m feeling kinda overwhelmed right now!
Today is Father’s Day in the UK. I’m feeling angry with both Simon and my dad! Simon has coped with the death of his dad pretty well I would say but he has a pretty short fuse and gets annoyed about little things really easily and can be quite rude to me. He was putting Theo to bed tonight and couldn’t find ‘woof woof’ – our incredibly creative name for Theo’s teddy dog that he sleeps with. He started shouting down the stairs in a horrible aggressive tone about what had I done with woof woof and how our bedroom was a mess with shit all over the bed etc etc. It was such a minor thing but I hated how he spoke to me and for Theo to witness his dad so angry over nothing. Obviously woof woof was exactly where I said he was anyway! I haven’t spoken to Simon since and we’re sleeping in separate rooms. This is not an irregular occurrence.
I hesitate to say we’re not getting on, because most of the time we get on ‘fine’. But there are way too many of these stupid fights for little reason and being very cold with each other for hours. I know he’s probably feeling emotional with his first Father’s Day since his dad died and missing Isobel too. But also I can’t be a sponge soaking up all of his aggression and continue to be lovely and supportive to him. I took the picture above yesterday, and was planning a Facebook post about what a great dad he is. At the minute I can’t even imagine bringing myself to write in his card.
Equally I found it hard to pick a card for my own dad, trying to avoid ones with sentiments like ‘Greatest Dad in the World’ because that’s not how I feel at all. Things have been so awkward with my dad since Isobel died and now with my nephew’s diagnosis he seems to annoy me more every time I speak to him. An example this week was him saying Daniel’s diagnosis (he has an excellent prognosis – Hodgkin’s Lymphoma is the most treatable childhood cancer) was the worst thing to ever happen to our family and he couldn’t imagine anything worse. I said I could imagine worse, and he said I couldn’t possibly understand what it was like to have a 14 year old child facing cancer. I have no idea what he actually was trying to say but the whole conversation to me came across like either he had forgotten Isobel ever existed, or that her life was so insignificant because she wasn’t born when she died, that her loss could not even remotely compare to the potential loss of his actual grandchild that he cares about. I didn’t even have time to be upset after this conversation as life is too flipping hectic and I was rushing in to an event but now that I’m writing it down I feel pretty sad and resentful about it. I keep thinking my dad is going to die soon (he’s in his mid 70s but healthy as far as we know) and that I’ll really regret how our relationship turned out. I would previously have said we were very close and I probably got on with him even better than with my mum. I just don’t see things changing for the better now. Even Theo who rarely sees him hasn’t warmed to him and is a bit scared of him! This is in such contrast to how he has been with my sister’s children who would see him as an incredibly important part of their lives. Families are so complicated!!
I’m stressing because I should be asleep and have loads of interview preparation to do tomorrow! Theo is beside me because he’s been a wee monkey tonight and wouldn’t settle and has been up for two bottles even though he is two and really doesn’t need night feeds! Simon is in the spare room and we’ll have to ‘make up’ in the morning if I can be bothered! I’m feeling lonely. I have a nervous breakdown scheduled for 2nd July after all of my impending work and life commitments are over but I’m feeling like that might be too far away and I may need to bring it forward!!!
Hopefully I won’t leave it so long before another post, thanks anyone who is still here 💕